There is a commonplace belief that we are defined by our actions. This is how we are judged. In America, we live childhoods in meritocracy and are judged constantly. Schools give us grades, parents tell us we are naughty based on our deeds and we are given gold stars when we behave well.

This system works well in reinforcing positive behavior and deterring the negative. It does not, however, cultivate self-esteem in those whose actions aren’t meeting the standard. Children from abusive homes often learn that they cannot please others; that their actions are never met with approval. There is the classic guilt of those who’ve come of age in strict Catholic families. We are the hopeless sinners whose redemption comes after our death.

It is amazing to me how these systems become internalized in their victims. It happens without thought, like a switch routing current into preferred channels. In writing this I had hoped to stay away from the personal, but I can’t think of a better way to illustrate this. A typical example of this internalization is this (a fictionalization, but good representation of what happens in my head/home):

My wife tells me that she thinks I should move a rather unbalanced, heavy item from its current location to another place where it is more secure. We have a 2-year-old daughter and this is a reasonable request. However, I immediately begin to become aggressive and push back; maybe suggesting that she move it herself if she thinks it so much of an issue. This simple observation on her part might devolve into an argument.

There is no conscious or clear trigger to the anger and aggression in this instance. The routing of the current, in this case, is done as a self-protective measure. In an instant, I felt a threat. The perceived threat was the possible intimation that I was careless in placing that object there in the first place; that I could be responsible for harming my child. Of course, this was not my wife’s meaning or intention, but a fragile ego can make this interpretation in fractions of a second. If you have internalized a worldview wherein your actions often result in failure, believing that others think the same is easy.

My aggression in this scenario is a way to cloak vulnerability. I direct the blame away. If I allowed the perceived disapproval to exist, I would confirm my existence as a failure. The power this holds over me is amazing.

A few nights ago I had epiphany of sorts. A new personal paradigm was born: people have intrinsic value that exists apart from their actions. This is not to say that anything goes and that we should accept all behaviors. This means that we are each individuals with a soul or conscience or call-it-what-you-will and that is what makes us who we are. Actions should still be judged, but not in a vacuum. The key is that behaviors can be changed while our essence remains unchanged (simplified, but generally true).

This probably comes across as trite and obvious, but I think it is pretty profound for those who are healing from abuse or have internalized a view of self as unremitting failure.

I am interested in hearing from others who have dealt with the same or engaged the same thought process. Feel free to contact me or write a comment here.